Akatsuki's Absolute Girlfriends
by Jaded Delirium
Summary: The hit band, Akatsuki, is having trouble finding girlfriends. When the lead singer Itachi orders a ‘figure’ from a website, she turns out to be a model built to exist solely for him. What happens when the other members order girls too?
1. Lover Shop

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, the plot of Absolute Boyfriend, or any of these characters.

My best friend recommended this manga, Absolute Boyfriend, and I am now infatuated with it. Then I got the idea for Akatsuki having absolute _girlfriends _and made sure there wasn't already something like that on fanfiction.

Summary: The hit band, Akatsuki, is having trouble finding girlfriends. When the lead singer Itachi orders a 'figure' from a website, she turns out to be a model built to exist solely for him. What happens when the other members order girls too?

* * *

Itachi stretched out on the hotel suite's sofa. Beside him, Kisame glared at a silver cell phone and punched in some numbers. _Beep beep beep beep._ Then he swore and slammed the phone shut. The little device began vibrating and the chorus of 'Thanks for the Memories' trilled. Kisame glared at it. 

"Miyuki getting on you again?" Itachi asked. Kisame pressed the off button on the phone.

"That chick is seriously pissing me off. She wants me to go watch a movie with her, and to go to that beach, that one where you cut your ankle and had to get a tetanus shot last time."

"That's not too bad."

Kisame flicked potato chip crumbs from his fingers. "Yeah. If you like Sydney White."

"Why do these girls annoy us so much, senpai?" Tobi asked from the kitchen. Deidara sighed and opened the fridge. He tried to detach an energy bar from the package, but it seemed to be frozen tight to the other bars. Some five-star reputation this hotel seemed to have. Their fridges certainly didn't show it.

"Money, yeah. Money, and fame. Who doesn't want to instantly raise their importance in this damn world by having a rich, famous boyfriend, hmm?"

"That's so greedy!"

"Tell me about it, un."

"Will you all shut up?" Zetsu snarled from the bedroom. "Not everyone is in desperate need of a girlfriend. And I'm trying to get this paint off. Damn, I'm never using dollar store face crap again."

"Hear that, Kakuzu? Even Zetsu thinks you're a money whore," Hidan smirked from his spot next to the television.

"Shut up. You should get a girlfriend too. Maybe she could stop you from bleeding all over the carpets and costing me dozens every time you have the urge to slit your wrists," Kakuzu looked up from the other bedroom where stacks of bills were piled around him on the table.

"Rich bitch."

"If it wasn't for me than you'd all be cheated out of concert paychecks," Kakuzu hissed.

"Please stop fighting! You know I hate it when we disagree," Tobi pleaded.

There was a knock on the door. "Mail delivery," rang a woman's voice. Itachi walked over and opened the door. A middle-aged woman with iron-coloured curls piled in a beehive hairdo shoved a stack of boxes and a bag full of what looked like fanmail at him.

"Arigatou, have a good evening." Itachi made to close the door. The cranky maid shoved her foot between the crack. She cleared her throat. Raising an eyebrow, Itachi pulled a few yen out of his pocket and handed it to the woman. She retracted her foot and slammed the door shut.

Sasori plucked a letter out of the bulging bag. "Dear Akatsuki, OMG!! I love your songs sooooo much! Please keep going, you're doing great!" (sounds like something my ten-year-old cousin would write)

"Akatsuki- g3t a l1fe, u guys r wastinng it dis sh1t. It's signed anonymous and written in newspaper cutout letters," Itachi read.

"And here's some business thing for Pein. Our manager gets almost as much mail as we do," Kisame stuffed it in a folder labeled 'Manager'.

"Hidan-baby, when will we meet again? I spend my days dreaming of your voice and nights remembering your slender fingers in my-" Hidan snatched the letter from Itachi and threw it in the fireplace.

"Crack whore. You don't want to know."

One flyer with an odd print caught Itachi's eye. He carried it to the room he and Kisame shared and sat down on his bed.

_From: Kronos Heaven Company_

_To: Akatsuki_

_Akatsuki,_

_It has come to our attention that several members of your band are in need of partners. I, Namikiri Gaku, am currently staying in the suite next to your own. Gomen nasai, but I happened to overhear your conversation while standing on the balcony. _

_If you would like to order your very own figure girlfriends, please go to the url on my business card. _

_This is CONFIDENTIAL and must not be relayed to anyone other than your group. _

_Namikiri Gaku, Kronos Heaven Co_

It looked like a load of crap. But out of curiousity, Itachi booted up his laptop and typed in the url. _Lover hmm? Sounded like a porno site._

A picture of an attractive blonde girl came up on the screen. She had a mysterious, secretive smile and was nude with her arms covering her chest.

A porn site. He was probably going to get a virus.

A flashing sign on the bottom left of the site caught his eye. _Free 3-Day Trial, order now!_ Amused, he clicked on it.

_What gender will your figure be? _Itachi entertained the idea of a male lover to see if it would work well with Deidara. He'd always wondered if the blonde drummer/ sculptor really was male. Itachi clicked _Female_.

_Options (what do you want your figure to have?): _Itachi pondered that. He typed in his preferences.

_Not clingy. _

_Not whiny. _

_Can think for herself. _

_Attractive. _

_Loyal. _

_Intelligent. _

_Not a pushover. _

Well, that thing _did_ say insert your preferences. He typed in the address of the hotel and the suite number. A flashing 'Thank you! We hope you are satisfied with your figure!' bounced around on the screen. He clicked 'exit' and shut the laptop off.

It was probably just a hoax. At least he hadn't been scammed of any money. Later that night, Itachi brought up the Lover Shop with the other members. They all dismissed the site as spam crap and Kakuzu threatened to reduce Itachi's paycheck if that figure turned out to cost money.

_Akatsuki's. Absolute. Girlfriends._

"Tobi's late," Kisame remarked. The band members were at the suite's large dining table. Sasori was mixing a salad to go with their take-out pizza, for 'vitamins and calcium'.

"Did you send him on another stupid errand for 'high quality clay' again, Deidara?" The secondary vocalist/ puppet maker pointed the butter knife accusingly.

"He probably got lost or something, that goofball, yeah." There was a huge crash at the door.

"Guys!" Tobi cried. They all ran to the noise.

And stopped right in their tracks.

A pair of strange men wearing sunglasses were at the door. They were carrying a huge box stamped with 'Kronos Heaven Company- One Lover Figure'. One man held out his hand to them.

"Uchiha Itachi?"

"Yes," Itachi replied. The other man extended an oddly stiff hand holding a paper. The Akatsuki members examined it. It appeared to be some sort of contract. Skimming the paper, which was a confirmation of the free three day trial, Itachi signed it. (Come on, who actually reads those contracts word for word? Like those Terms & Conditions for getting a site membership)

"Sigggature, please."

"I just signed it." There was something odd about those men.

"Thank you. We hope you will be pleased with your figure." They turned down the hall and disappeared. Then there was another crash. Everyone turned to look at the source of the noise.

"Hehe… whoops. I tripped," Tobi apologized sheepishly. His ankle was lodged in the huge box, which had split open. But the broken box was of no interest to Akatsuki. Wrapped in pink tissue paper and ribbon, a girl's body was half hidden under the cardboard.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God." Hidan stared at the box.

"It really did come." Itachi spotted a manual among the tissue paper. As he leaned over to pick it up, he caught a glance of the girl's bare shoulders. Out of a hunch, he pulled the hotel robe out of a closet and covered her with it. Screw the porn site for sending the chick naked.

"This figure has a sensor on its lips to detect human temperature."

"I guess that's how you wake her up," Kisame said, peeking over Itachi's shoulders.

"Like Snow White," Zetsu snickered. "Go get her, Prince Charming Itachi."

Itachi gave him the finger. Then, he leaned over the girl's face. She was the same girl on the background of that Lover Shop website. Up close, she had shoulder length blonde hair and, after pulling her eyelid, forest green eyes.

"She's cold." Sasori too was leaning over her. He touched her arm. "Soft. Has human skin. But she's cold."

"She has no pulse, un."

Itachi sighed. Did he really have to do this? He supposed if anyone came in, not that they would, he could say he was practicing CPR. If you looked at the whole situation from a bystander's point of view, it was pretty ridiculous. He could see the news headlines: **AKATSUKI: Hot Heartthrobs or Desperate Dudes? **(Man, what a dumb title. But it has alliteration.)

They all stared at the girl for a moment.

"Sooooo... you going to do it, Itachi?" Tobi asked.

"Yeah, go Weasel." Hidan clapped him on the back. A little too hard for the Uchiha's liking, because it was _just_ hard enough to make him fling forward and crash right onto the figure. Whose lips were actually rather nice.

Behind him, he could hear his fellow Akatsuki members gasp.

A pulse suddenly came alert in the girl's body. Her skin became warm; it was already soft but now it was more human-like. She opened her eyes. Put on the robe. The figure fixed her eyes on him.

"No. Fucking. Way." Hidan muttered in disbelief.

The girl smiled. "Hey, boyfriend." Then she reached forward, pulled Itachi close, and placed a kiss on his lips to the incredulity of the other members.

* * *

Was that an alright first chapter? I know, I have three other fics going, but this one wouldn't leave me alone. 

I'm sorry. I don't take pairing requests for this fic, but ItaTema fans will not be disappointed :)

Thanks for reading this. Please review! (I know, I'm ostentatiously trying to get reviews.)


	2. Figure Girlfriend

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Akatsuki, any of the girlfriends, figures, nor the manga Absolute Boyfriend, which I am basing this fic off.

You should know what the pairings are by the end of the chapter.

* * *

Surprised, Itachi drew back from the girl and stared at her. She looked back at him with quizzical eyes. Itachi was very, very aware of the other Akatsuki members staring at him."Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!" Tobi shrieked. He promptly fainted with a huge thud on the ground. As the others moved Tobi away, Itachi turned his attention back to the fair-haired girl. 

"Who- no, _what_ are you?"

"I'm your lover."

"My what?"

"Lo-ver. L-O-V-E-R. One who loves another, usually involving in a sexual relationship," the girl recited, as if reading from a dictionary. Great, he got a robot girl who was a smartass.

"Smart girl," Hidan remarked.

"That is because you input that into my features," the girl said to Itachi.

"I know what lover means. Are you serious?"

"Very."

"So what's your name?" Sasori inquired from the other side of the room. Picking up the manual, Itachi perused it. On the last page, there was a note in hastily scrawled writing.

_If for some reason your figure does not accept the name you call her, she will respond to the name 'Temari', as that is what we called her as she was being tested. _

_-N.G._

"Fine. Your name will be Temari."

'Temari' raised her eyebrows, but smiled. "Thanks. I'll try to be a good girlfriend for you. What's your name, boyfriend?"

"Uchiha Itachi."

"Alright, Itachi," Temari responded. There was an awkward silence.

"So what do we do now, hmm?" Deidara asked. Itachi's leader instincts kicked in. Getting over his initial shock, he put on his stoic façade.

"We'll have to find some clothes for you. Temari, come along." Itachi pulled her to his room. He grabbed some random clothes, a T-shirt, a pair of boxers. After she'd put them on- Itachi had turned around, of course- he glanced around for a place for Temari to sleep. She noticed this.

"I'm very sorry, Itachi." Startled, he looked at her. Temari's pine green eyes were downcast and her lips were turned up slightly.

"You're stressed, as since I'm your girlfriend, I should help you overcome it. But it just seems like I'm making it worse." She held up her hand, and he saw an odd ring on it. The stone on the band was a bright viridian.

"Pink is for pleasure, black for sadness, blue for anger," Temari recited. "Green is for stress."

Itachi's shoulders drooped, lost some of their stiffness. To Temari's surprise, he smiled. Alright, it was a _small_ smile, but an expression of happiness nonetheless.

"It's not your fault." He patted her shoulder awkwardly. "If you are my girlfriend, then I should care about you too. Don't blame yourself just because I'm a 'stick-up-the-ass', like the others sometimes say."

"So it's alright if we sleep together?"

He sighed. "Fine."

Temari beamed. "Thank you, Itachi-kun. I'll try to be a great girlfriend."

She climbed into 'their' bed. Itachi wondered when he had become 'Itachi-kun'.

_Akatsuki's. Absolute. Girlfriends._

"What do you think of Temari-chan, senpai?" Tobi asked. He bounced on the edge of the hotel bed. Something had to be done about those beds. The mattress' width had to be at least a hand high, but somehow Deidara kept turning over and over in the night. The fact that Tobi and Sasori both snored didn't help. On those clichéd early-morning cartoons, the talking dog or overhappy protagonist always had a plug-being-pulled-out-of-a-full-bathtub snore, accompanied by a loud penny whistle shriek. _Honk shoo, honk, shooooo._ That was exactly how Tobi snored.

Sasori, on the other hand, had some vocal infection or other, bronchitis or something. Deidara had never bothered to find out. This caused him to have a lower, sexier voice that spawned a revolution of girls' locker photos. Off went the 'BFF FOREVER' pictures, on went a poster of semi-naked Aka Suna no Sasori with lipstick marks replenished every time the crazed fangirl opened her locker. Three hours into Sasori's beauty sleep, and Deidara was almost always woken up by a rumbling sound, unrivaled to a bear who hadn't eaten for a week's stomach growling. Deidara never complained about either of his roommates' sleeping faults, though. Hidan would have been happy to switch, but Kakuzu would do anything for money. He would probably videotape the blonde artist while he slept and post the incriminating two minutes of unconscious Deidara on the web. And that would probably end up as pornography. Deidara wanted to be famous for his musical talent or art, not for a hundred and twenty seconds of porn.

"We've only known her for two seconds, Tobi, un. Not much you could tell about a girl, yeah."

Pause. "Hey, senpai?"

"What?"

"Do you want a figure girlfriend too?"

"What the h- _you_ want a bunch of metal piled up into a plastic female shell, hmm?"

"Temari was _soft,_" Tobi retorted. "And she had a heartbeat! I don't know how the heck that happened, but I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend. Would you?"

"No."

"Come on, senpai. If I got one, you could share her with me! How about it?"

"Kami, no. I'm not participating in some twisted threesome, especially if one of them's a robot, yeah."

"Aww." They dropped the subject. But Tobi was known for his persistence and, often, density. His senpai was just probably masking _his_ secret admiration of the figures. Yeah! That was probably it! Tobi hadn't been lying when he said he wouldn't mind a figure. The boy pulled his own laptop onto the bed. He would make them both so happy.

Exactly at seven the next morning, a loud rhythmic banging was heard. Staggering and bed-headed, Kisame yanked open the door. A pair of the same oddly dressed men stood there.

"Tobi of Akatsuk-i?" One of them rattled. Tobi, dressed only in boxers, ran to the door.

"Siggature, please."

"Thanks!" Tobi signed three slips of paper. He noticed they all had a 'P.S., please do not tell anyone about these figures' typed in bold red Times New Roman on the bottom.

"Could you move these for us and help us open them?" Nodding, the pair pushed the huge boxes into the living room, slit an opening on them, and left. Kisame looked on in astonishment and wondered if he were dreaming. Tobi darted into the room he shared with his senpai and Sasori. Grasping Deidara by his hair and Sasori- whose hair was too short to grab- by the arm, he dragged the resisting pair into the living room.

"Senpai! Sasori-kun! Look what I got for you!"

Forcing a slightly droopy eye open, Deidara groaned. "Tobi, what the hell, hmm?"

"See? See? Not bad, huh? There's one for each of us!" Tobi yanked them over to the box labeled 'Uchiha Tobi'. Dropping Sasori carelessly, he raised a dark-haired girl up one-handed. "Aww, she's pretty isn't she, senpai?"

Lack of sleep combined with a nosebleed at the sight of the girl- luckily her chest was only half uncovered, giving her some modesty- knocked out his senpai cold.

"Nooooooo! Senpai!" Tobi yelled.

"Kami save these kids," Sasori muttered, "I'm sure as hell not cleaning him up. Get that girl to do it."

Sighing, Kisame wrenched a figure out of a box labeled 'Iwa no Deidara' and dragged over to the sprawled blonde on the floor. He lowered her carefully to Deidara's lips. She sat up, no longer limp like a rag doll, and blinked.

"Hey, you. Figure-girl-robot whatever. Can you clean him up?"

"Ok!" she said happily. She carefully wiped the blood off her 'boyfriend' with the crepe paper from the box. Smiling adoringly at him, she stroked his tanned skin. Kisame tried not to laugh and finally ended up guffawing into his shirt sleeve.

Deidara felt gentle fingers trace the outline of his jaw. Groaning, he hauled himself up and opened his eyes, which rounded in total shock.

A girl with blue-green eyes and hair like spun gold was perched beside him. His eyes wandered down her body as if magnetized. She was prettily rounded and had fair, smooth skin. Slender, but not outrageously proportioned. He felt almost unworthy to be in her presence. When he'd first woken, he thought he had died and an angel was tenderly wiping away his past sins and faults.

"Hi, boyfriend!" the girl chirped. "Are you alright now?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"That's good! A girlfriend should try to help her boyfriend whenever she can." This was accompanied by a huge, whomping hug.

"It says her name's Ino," Kisame fingered the book, smirking at the prostrate couple. "Nice."

Tobi, on the other hand, was happily talking with his black-haired girl, who he'd named 'Hinata'.

"… So I'm in this band called Akatsuki, we have our front people who usually do most of the performing stuff. Our front people are the ones who actually get up on the stage and all that. My senpai's the drummer, Itachi and Sasori are vocals, and Hidan is really good with the guitar. The rest of us do other stuff, like back up."

"What do you do, Tobi-kun?" Hinata asked in a gentle lilt.

"Me? That's nice of you to ask, Hinata-chan! I really hope we can be a happy couple for these three days. Oh, anyway, I'm sort of their DJ, I make sound effects and stuff. Like, in one of the songs we have thunder sounds so we need me to do that. Kakuzu is our manager and treasurer, he travels with us because supposedly we're too young and not experienced enough to handle our money, because he's 25 so he's really a lot older than us."

"How old are you?"

"I'm eighteen! Everyone else, like Itachi and Sasori are nineteen, except for Kisame because he's twenty."

"You really talk a lot, Tobi-kun," Hinata said, playing with her fingers. "But it's really interesting talking to you."

"Aww… you're so sweet, Hinata-chan!"

The clamor in the room was adding to Deidara's pounding headache. He got up, the girl called Ino holding his arm. "Goddamn, what have you done, Tobi. I'm going back to sleep."

"Alright!" Ino grabbed his hand and pulled him into a room which she assumed was his, as her boyfriend was walking toward it.

"Hey, what are you-" Ino tackled him onto his bed, his back to the mattress and her legs straddling his waist. Slipping the buttons out of their holes, she pulled away his shirt and began pulling down his boxers. Face flushing a deep vermillion, Deidara reached and grabbed Ino's wrist, which surprisingly was warm and soft like a human girl's.

"What the hell are you doing, un?!" Ino crouched on her haunches and smiled vivaciously at him.

"I'm the Nightly Series, my boyfriend. That means I'm the nightly active type. You said you wanted to go to sleep, so I thought you meant you wanted to have sex."

Kami save him. He'd only known her for two minutes and already they were talking about sex. If Ino weren't looking so honestly confused and innocent, he would have pitched her out of the room already.

Ino mistook his unwillingness as hesitation and concern for her. "If you think you would be forcing me, it's really fine with me." She drew closer to him and smiled. "We're a couple, and I live only for you. I want it too, so it's ok."

Deidara stared at her. Then common sense hollered into his ear, and his brain snapped into work. "No, what the hell, un. Do you even know what you're saying? And I don't want to have sex- at least not yet. You shouldn't do that to someone you've just met, yeah."

"Oh." Silence. "So now?"

He slapped his forehead. "Just let me go to sleep and we'll talk about it later, yeah?" Covering himself with the sheets, he turned away from the figure. She tugged at his shoulder.

"Boyfriend? What do I do?"

He sighed. "First, my name is Deidara, not boyfriend, hmm. And second, do whatever you want. Just let me sleep, un."

"Can I stay here with you?"

"Fine."

"Yay! Arigatou, Deidara-kun." Ino slipped between the blankets and curled up next to him. Sadly, she was still naked, and he was forced to get up and find something for her to wear.

Meanwhile, Sasori was deciding what to do with his figure. Sakura, as the book called her, was patiently waiting for him. She was quite attractive, really. With short pink hair, earnest viridian eyes, and an elegant figure, she was a broad any man would like to claim. He scratched his head, tumbling the scarlet tendrils. Sasori would think better with a shower. So, loping into the bathroom, he told Sakura to stay outside and flipped the knob inside the shower. The pinpricks of water slicing away the night's crust and oil, Sasori felt much better. He reached for the soap.

It slipped out of his damp palm and hit the floor with a _thunk._

"Sasori!" He heard Sakura yell. "Are you alright?" Sasori then could discern her muttering behind the water's noise. "Girlfriends should make sure their boyfriends are not hurt, right? Hmm. Ok, I'll go check on him!"

"Wait! Sakura, don't-" He heard the door slam open. A hand reached around the shower curtain and tore it away. Sakura stood there, looking concerned.

"Sasori-boyfriend, is everything ok?"

Sasori yelped and tried to cover his privates. Even A-list celebrities have to keep _some_ humility.

"No, I just dropped the soap. Nothing's wrong. Could you please get out of here?" He asked with an abnormally cool manner. Sakura beamed.

"Ok!" Leaning into the stall, Sakura planted a light kiss to her boyfriend's cheek. "Be careful!"

The figure girl skipped out like nothing had happened. Sasori stared after her for a moment, then yanked the curtain back in place and resumed soaping himself down.

"_You got me trippin', stumblin', slippin', bumblin', only 'cause I'm fallin' in love, in love! Girl can't help it, girl can't help it, alright, girl can't help it…" _Sakura sang outside the washroom. Sasori groaned. It was going to be a very, very long day.

A couple of hours later, all twelve of them were more or less assembled in the living room. Temari, Ino, and Sakura were reading a magazine with Akatsuki on the cover. The Akatsuki were hazily acting like everything was normal. They discussed tomorrow's concert while sneaking looks at the lovely 'girlfriends'.

Hinata looked over her shoulder and smiled at Tobi, who grinned broadly back at her. Tobi didn't wear the orange mask he put on for concerts.

Surprisingly, he had an extremely alluring sexy-badboy face, which didn't fit in at all with his happy go lucky personality. Tobi didn't want paparazzi to focus on his face and not his talent. For a teenager, he acted like a goofy little kid who was famous around the neighbourhood for spraying whipped cream on his face and hair and then running to every single house on the block to show off his afro and mustache. Tobi wasn't even his real name. The Akatsuki thought it fit him more than his given one.

"Lunch is served," Hinata announced softly. But she had barely lifted the trays when a doorbell was heard. Hidan quickly hurried over and opened the door. He signed a note, shoved it back into an unseen person's hand, and heaved a familiar large cardboard box into the living room. In the space of thirty seconds, he'd done all that and had also pried open the box.

"Whoa," the pewter haired man whispered.

Behind thickets of crepe, a brunette with her hair in two buns lay with limbs at sprawled angles.

"Damnit, Hidan. Another one?" Kakuzu threw his hands in the air. "Do you know how much this will _cost?"_

* * *

Hmm. I don't think I got much ItaTema in there. I'm not even a fan of that pairing, but it fit with this fic. 

So, ItaTema, SasoSaku, DeiIno, TobiHina, and HidanTen. I don't think I have to lay it out for you guys like that, but there you are anyway.

I was bored the other day, and decided to make the five girls with Elouai CandyBar Doll Maker. If you want to see Temari, Sakura, Ino, Hinata, and Tenten, go to the deviant art link on my profile and it should be in my gallery, if I've posted them up.

Thanks for reading this! I hope you enjoyed it, and I would really appreciate some reviews!


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